Geoloblog

Environmental science, traveling, and the sociology of the unraveling American dream.

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If you're looking for more about me, I'm pretty much hanging out over at my livejournal these days. I use this account for commenting on other people's blogs.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Rules for Driving Like a Masshole

As a celebration of my first full day as a licensed Massachusetts driver, and the first day of my car's Mass plates, I hereby present gjules' Rules for Driving Like A Masshole.

1. Ignore your spedometer. Seriously: driving at the speed limit will endanger everyone. You should always drive at the same speed as the surrounding traffic, and looking at the spedometer will only increase your stress.

2. We could put up road signs and let you know where you are and which route you're on, but then we'd have to kill you. We prefer it like this. Less work putting up signs and killing people.

3. When lost or confused, always turn left. Ideally, this should be from the right lane.

4. Using turn signals is like starting a livejournal: nobody needs to know that much information about you, okay?

5. Sometimes cars will appear on your right or left flank, frantically trying to get into your lane. Ignore them. They'll scrape off like barnacles on the double-parked cars or the oncoming traffic. It's a natural process.

6. Lanes are fluid-- they're only painted, after all. Three or thirty years from now you'd be exactly where you were supposed to be. And if the lanes aren't painted or clearly visible, it indicates a free-for-all.

7. You don't think you can drive while applying makeup/talking on a cell phone/drinking a Frappucino/taking out your contacts? Well, you'll never know until you try, will you?

8. Always park whenever and wherever you want to. Even if that means someone, like say me for example, CAN'T GET THEIR CAR OUT OF THE FRIGGIN' DRIVEWAY.